


Shattered Memories

by idrilhadhafang



Series: The Force Awakens AUs [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Adoption, Amnesia, Amnesiac Poe Dameron, Badass Rey, Eventual Happy Ending, Gay Poe Dameron, M/M, Marriage, POV Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Same-Sex Marriage, Snoke Being a Dick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-22
Updated: 2017-07-22
Packaged: 2018-12-05 07:02:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11572848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: When Poe wakes up on Jakku, he's lost just about all his memory.





	Shattered Memories

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Amnesia
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 

 He wakes up in a haze of heat, the Jakku sky spinning above him, and the face of a beautiful dark-haired young woman above him. His lips are parched, and he speaks.

"Where am I?"

"You're on Jakku," the woman says. "You must have crash-landed. No idea why you stole a TIE fighter, but I guess that's our Poe..."

"Do I know you?" He knows her. He certainly knows her. He has this feeling that he knows her.

"Poe, it's me. It's Jess."

"I couldn't have met you before."

Jess looks bewildered in that moment. After a while, she says, "You must have suffered some sort of trauma from the crash. It's okay, Poe. The First Order can't get to you now. We're gonna bring you home."

"Your people can help me?"

"Yeah." And there's something in Jess' voice that threatens to break. "We can."

***

Poe recovers in the base. He's dehydrated, the medic of the Resistance says. Her name is Kalonia, and she's kind-faced, pretty, having a certain dignity and grace to her. In addition, the head trauma he suffered while escaping the Finalizer has impaired his ability to remember much of what happened before.

Much is an understatement, Poe thinks. Now that she says some things, part of it's flooding back.

"There was a man," he says. "Finn...I think that's what his name was. Is he okay?"

"I don't know."

"He's probably in that desert, on Jakku." Poe says. "We have to go and rescue him!"

"I'm sure the General will," Kalonia says.

"She better," Poe says. He can't bear the idea of Finn wandering out in the desert of Jakku alone.

***

While he's recovering, Poe keeps having dreams about someone. A lover. He can't see their face, but he can hear their voice. He can feel the ghost imprints of smooth lips kissing and worshipping his body, and the sensations feel so...so good.

Poe bites his lip to stifle a groan. It feels so indecent doing this in the medical bay, and yet he's stiff, hard. Fortunately Kalonia's out of the room and there's no one else there, so Poe lies back, letting memories of caresses and kisses wash over him. He moves against the bed, adjusting to the pleasure, adjusting to the feeling of a hot, wet mouth stimulating his nipples.

"Please..." Poe says. He has no control over the memories, but he knows he needs this touch, this affection. He's been so lonely.

The memories only get stronger, they get more vivid, and Poe grinds against the bed until he comes, messy, sticky into his pants. He changes his pants, letting the stickiness between his legs remain and dry as if a memory of his dream lover, the one that can never be.

***

He remembers Finn's face the moment he sees him. Finn visits him in the medbay, BB-8 by his side, and Poe's starting to remember him more. His name was FN-2187, but Poe called him Finn, because it was unfair that anyone had to be called by a designation -- a designation, of al things! -- instead of a name.

Finn's smile is practically radiant in that moment. "Hey, buddy," he says.

"Finn." Poe smiles back. "Your name's Finn, isn't it?"

"Yeah. I kept it." Finn sits next to him. "Some of the Resistance people said you hit your head in the crash."

"I did. Don't worry -- I'm getting better. Wish I were out with the others." Poe bites his lip. "That's my jacket. I had it on Jakku before we escaped together. Must have fallen off."

"I can -- "

"Keep it. Suits you better than the armor."

"Yeah." Finn smiles. "Definitely better than the armor."

"You're a good man, Finn. I'm glad you're safe."

"Well...thanks." Another smile from Finn. "I'm glad you're safe too."

***

They say that he's in no condition to be flying, so Jess takes over for the attack on Starkiller Base. He can't help but be frustrated -- if people are in trouble because of the First Order, he wants to help. But Kalonia's orders are clear. So he lies in bed on base, passing the time however he can, but being unable to concentrate, unable to relax. Will this be his last day in the galaxy? He can't bear to think about it.

It's later on that he starts feeling things in his mind, seeing impressions and images. Images of a girl carrying a lightsaber, standing over the same lover that Poe saw in his visions. He has a scar running down his face, a burn scar, and she...by the stars, she looks like someone who's been pushed to her limits.

Even when Jess returns, he's happy that Starkiller Base has been destroyed. That it's become a star of its own. He worries about Finn, who's badly injured, and worries about the girl who beat the dream lover. He watches over Finn when he can, because stars willing, Finn did the same for him, so he's going to do whatever he can.

***

The visions continue long after Starkiller Base is destroyed. The visions of that dream lover, the visions of that beautiful face. The visions of Poe meeting him in a glade, sharing kisses and embraces. Ben, Poe calls him. Such a simple name for such a beautiful, kind person. He doesn't want to ruin the fantasy by sharing it, but he's all but mad for Ben's loving touch. Loving, touching Poe reverently all over his body, caressing his sides and seeming to marvel at them. Even those parts. Ben called them well-formed, called Poe well-formed, called him beautiful. Even hearing those words in his mind is enough to make tears build behind Poe's eyes.

His lover is long gone.

No, this man, this Ben, was more than a lover. He was something more, but Poe's mind can't access it.

He was everything to Poe, and now he's gone.

Tears prickle in Poe's eyes, and he shifts, turns over, listening to Snap snoring and Jess murmuring in her sleep, even as he tries to fall asleep.

***

It's on Bespin when they're reading Han Solo's will that the section about Ben fills it all in. Even as General Organa reads the will, the revelation hits Poe like a runaway speeder.

_"Tekka told me the First Order took you prisoner."_

And, _**I am nothing, Poe. Tainted. Hated. Feared. I am the monster that the Resistance would give anything and everything to kill. There is no saving me.**_

Ben's voice. His lover's voice. Poe steps back, horrified, and the room starts to spin around him. He feels Finn's arms around him even as he falls to the ground, and he swears that he can feel Ben's presence in his head once more.

***

He lies there in his room, BB-8 by his side to keep him company, and he grips the covers tightly, staring blankly ahead. He still can't believe it. To think that this monster, this creature, could have been his same lover from the memories --

How? How is it possible? How did it happen? What happened?

The door opens, and General Organa enters.

"Poe," she says, "Are you all right?"

"I wish I was."

"I'm sorry," General Organa says. "I wish there was a better way I could have broken this to you."

"Why didn't you tell me?" _And didn't you care?_ Poe thinks.

"I didn't know how."

"There could have been another way." Poe says.

"I didn't see one. I'm sorry, Poe."

Silence reigns.

"Were Ben and I close?"

"Very. I'm ashamed to admit I had...misgivings about your relationship. Yes, you were in a relationship when the both of you got older."

"I think I remember," Poe says, and he sees Ben's face, lit up with happiness even as Poe slipped into a glade with him.

And then he sees Ben, in his Jedi robes then, showing off his Force Lightning to Poe. The way he looks in that moment, he looks almost like an avenging god. His eyes are burning, his hands outstretched, and Poe feels -- stars, does he feel the same awe and fear for Ben that he did in the memory. Invading the mind of a Mandalorian prisoner, and afterwards, Poe talking to him about it.

The General must sense it, because she turns her head away in sorrow. "Poe, I am so sorry. Why didn't you tell me? I could have helped him. I never dreamed that he would have done...any of this."

"I...don't know why I didn't tell you." The only one he'd really told was Dad. At twenty-five, Poe had been Poe Dameron, cheerful, outgoing Poe Dameron, able to command and lead while still worrying for his beloved Ben back home, who seemed to be slipping deeper into the Dark Side.

"I never should have sent him to Luke," the General says. "That's when I lost him. Him and Han both."

"Why did you send him away?"

"I thought I was protecting him the best way I knew how. I was wrong. Snoke followed him, and while he fashioned this innocent child into a weapon, we knew nothing."

Poe listens, and all the while he is confused. He can't help but be. Nothing about this makes sense, because the General couldn't have kept something that big from him, everyone couldn't have kept something that big. Did they know? Did they care? Did they --

Poe doesn't know what to think of it all.

***

More bits of memory come back even as Poe dreams. The ceremony on Bespin -- they weren't just lovers, Poe realizes, they were married. Even as Poe sees their wedding, and their wedding night, he can't help but be amazed when he wakes at the idea that he could have been married to that beast.

No, not amazed. He's horrified. And confused. How can the man who touched him so gently and kissed him so sweetly and said things that could melt Poe's heart have strapped him to a chair and tortured him? It's not possible. His husband, with a sort of playful innocence and naive delight in the simplest things, who looked at and spoke to and touched Poe so tenderly and sweetly.

Even remembering is enough to throw Poe into misery. I love you. Gods save me, I still love you.

He keeps these feelings buried deep inside. Nobody should know how deeply he loves Kylo Ren.   
They simply can't.

***

It's after Holdo takes over that Poe knows he has to confront Kylo himself. So he says his goodbyes to Finn and Rey -- two beings who have, more than anything, made him better. They plead for him not to go, but he knows he has to, just to get some answers from Kylo, and perhaps to save him. Poe knows, at least, that he has to try.

  
***

When they capture him again, he's brought before Kylo Ren once again, and for the first time in six years, he sees Kylo Ren's face. There's a long scar down the left side where Rey slashed him, but even that doesn't detract from how beautiful he is. His hair, dark and curly, falling freely around his face, his eyes, too expressive, too dark. He's tall, he's solid and muscular, he's so well-built, and Poe looks up at him, enchanted and full of desire. He wonders if his husband knows about him touching himself just to mimic Ben's nimble hands.

Then they're talking. Poe's mostly tuning it out, at least until one of them actually mentions Resistance troops on Milara.

Poe opens his mouth, and it's then that he says, "There aren't any other Resistance members. I swear."

Kylo looks at him, and there's a certain calmness to him as he says, "You can't lie to me, Poe Dameron."

And Poe feels as if he's good as doomed the Resistance by leaving.

***

Milara is beautiful tonight. That Poe won't deny. The stars watch them, calm, neutral observers of the event that's taking place. And yet Poe isn't up for stargazing. The fact that Kylo Ren may very well hunt down and try to kill the other Resistance members is something that Poe can't bear to see happen.

And it's all because of you, a part of him says. This is your fault.

Poe speaks up to Kylo. "Please," he says. "Just spare one, Ben." He knows it won't work. He can still remember how Kylo Ren just ordered the massacre of the villagers on Tuanul and Poe had been powerless to stop him. No matter how much he'd begged, how much he'd pleaded, it hadn't been enough.

Kylo Ren stiffens. "That," he says coldly, "Is not my name."

"It was your name. Long ago."

"But no longer. If you think that I'm still using that name, you're lying to yourself."

Poe bites his lip. Then, "Yeah. Maybe I am. But I'm not the only one."

"Kylo Ren is who I was always meant to be -- "

"You weren't!" Poe looks up at him. "I might not remember everything, but I remember that you weren't meant for this."

Kylo looks puzzled for a moment. Poe likes it; it's like a touch of humanity in this man.

"You don't...remember?"

"It's complicated."

Kylo looks down at him. "Did the Resistance do this to you?"

"They didn't."

"But they got to you first. It's a pity that I didn't get to you first. I would have given you the stars."

What does anyone make of that? Kylo continues. "It's far from too late, Poe. Come with me. Together, we can bring stability to the galaxy that the Republic couldn't."

Poe shakes his head. "Ben..."

"What has the Resistance offered you?"

Poe looks up at him. "What about the First Order, Ben?"

"The Supreme Leader is -- "

"Whatever you're saying, he's not that," Poe says. "Ben...those villagers on Tuanul -- they did nothing to you and you killed them."

"They were harboring a dangerous criminal -- "

"Tekka?" Poe laughs. "You're kidding me, right? He didn't do anything. Stars, he even tried to help you and you killed him in cold blood. Why, Ben?"

"He had to be."

"But that's not the only reason, is it?"

Kylo takes a deep breath. Then, "I hated him."

And Poe knows why. Because Lor San Tekka reminded him of that hated identity, that man who had been "weak" and "foolish" and who wanted to make the galaxy better. Everything from troubled childhood memories to his love for Poe, everything about that falls into the category of Ben Solo, everything that Kylo Ren wants to scratch away.

"He reminded you of Ben," Poe says. "Is that why you killed him?"

"Yes. That name...that wretched name..."

"But you are Ben."

"No. I'm not. I never will be again."

"Then maybe you don't have to be Ben. Just come home."

There's a long silence, and then Kylo speaks. "It's too late."

"No, it's not, Ben. Just come home."

Silence.

"It's not that simple."

"Maybe not. But I love you. And I want you to come home."

***  
Facing Snoke for the first time in six years, more memories start flooding back. How they somehow trusted him, how they somehow believed in him while he was deceiving them, and Poe can't help but be flabbergasted. How could they have trusted him so easily? They couldn't have. It's impossible, and yet here they are.

Snoke smiles, and it's the sort of smile that Poe swears would leave a trail of slime in its wake. "Hello, Poe Dameron. It's been some time, hasn't it?"

"Must have been," Poe says. "I'm here for Ben."

"Ben Solo is dead," Snoke says. "He sacrificed himself long ago so that Kylo Ren might live. It is the way of ren."

Fate. Balance. So it's said in the Milaran language.

"So all this was just serving some vision of balance?"

"Yes."

Poe could have laughed. "How?"

"From the start, Kylo Ren had the perfect balance of Light and Dark in him."

"So he didn't get to make his own choices?"

"He did. And contrary to what the Resistance believes, they were the right choices."

"I don't believe that."

"So you say," Snoke says. "Are you ready to take me down? And do you think you can do it alone?"

"Poe!"

It's Rey -- Jaina Skywalker -- Finn -- Sam Windu -- Luke and Rose. Poe has to respect their guts for coming here, even though he doesn't know if they'll hold up against Snoke and Kylo.

Snoke looks over them. "So, Skywalker, this is your team of murderers, narcissists, thieves and monsters you have sent to fight me. Which one of them would like to try me first? You, Jaina? You may have defeated my apprentice in Starkiller's forest out of sheer fortune, but I have taken on those more powerful than you. The Empire has risen and fallen and I have lived through it, I have endured. Would you like to put your abilities to the test? Or perhaps Luke Skywalker. Back for another round after I defeated you? You are nothing. Self-righteous, pampered, idiotic. Your daughter makes ten of you, false Jedi. Or the traitor? Your hands are swimming in the blood of your comrades; what's another death to add to the pile?"

Sam's actually shaking. Poe speaks up. "You're wrong about him."

"Am I? We'll see."

Luke steps forward. "It's me you want, Snoke," he says.

Snoke's smile becomes almost maalras-like. Then, "There is no justice like the justice of your execution, Skywalker. You probably would want me to defeat you in a duel, but you don't deserve that." He raises his lightsaber. "For your murders of those on the First Death Star, for what you did to Lord Vader, I sentence you to death."

He raises his lightsaber, slashes in a diagonal slash, and Luke Skywalker falls.

Jaina's scream echoes throughout the chamber as she charges at Snoke, who is truly taken aback by her ferocity. She slices Snoke's lightsaber in half, the halves falling uselessly to the floor, and she's still not done.

Poe takes a deep breath and says, "Jaina, it's all right! You can stop!"

Jaina looks up at him. Her face seems all but feral in that moment, and yet alert, as if listening for something. Finally, her face softens and she deactivates her lightsaber, looks down at Snoke.

"I have something I want to show you," Jaina says. "And look at me. After what you did to my father, have the decency to look at me."

She's reaching into Snoke's mind. Snoke's expression changes again and again, from outrage to confusion and then...

It's there that realization spreads over Snoke's face, and he looks...stars, he looks horrified, actually. Horrified and shocked, as if he never expected any of what he was doing to actually have been a bad thing.

"It isn't too late to stop this," Poe says. "Please."

Snoke pauses, as if genuinely considering it. Then he takes out his comlink. "General," he says. "Lisaris. Call off the attack. There's been enough killing."

Lisaris strides into the throne room then. His verbal expression of shock is all but identical to Hux's.

"There's been enough killing," Snoke says. "I was a fool for not realizing that earlier."

Lisaris speaks. "If you seek to betray your own Order, I will have no choice but to stop you."

"As will I," Snoke says.

Kylo steps beside him in that moment. "And I," he says.

They duel. Poe assists, shooting at the guards. They fall, one by one, but Snoke is still overwhelmed, and Lisaris is threatening to best him. Snoke's still badly wounded, wheezing, and that's before Kylo cuts down Lisaris, stabbing him through the heart.

Lisaris falls, and for a moment, Poe swears that a measure of peace comes into those eyes behind the mask, a sort of peace that he hasn't known in some time.

The guards are down, and Kylo runs to Snoke's prone body.

Kylo's talking. Snoke's talking. Poe can't hear it very well, but he can hear the sorrow in their words too well, and Snoke's remorse. That's something that you wouldn't expect to hear out of the Supreme Leader, actual remorse.

And as Snoke dies, for a moment, Poe swears that some sort of peace returns to his eyes that hasn't been seen for a long time.

***  
The war is over. Finally. Hux is dead -- Holdo's killed him herself, although she looks more tired than anything else after what she's accomplished. They're still debating as to what to do with Kylo, though Holdo isn't going to kill him. She seems to just be exhausted from the killing, even for someone as evil as Hux.

Snoke is dead. Kylo's been thinking of having a ceremony for Snoke if only to let go of some feelings about him, all those complicated emotions still stirring in him.

It's eventually that Holdo releases Kylo on the condition that he attend therapy, and that's after hearing his tale; Holdo's still disturbed by the fact that Snoke was hunting Kylo before he was born.

Poe can't say he blames her one bit. He still hates Snoke for what he did to his Ben. To his beautiful Ben, his precious Ben. He doubts he ever will forgive Snoke for that, and he doubts that whatever's waiting for Snoke in the afterlife is going to forgive him either.

When they light a pyre for Snoke, Poe can only hope that his fate in the afterlife fits what he did in life. It would be fitting enough.

***

It's not an easy task, of course, but they are rebuilding. They are healing. Poe's getting more of his memories back, and Ben's trying to make up for what he's done as well as heal himself. They've adopted a stormtrooper child they've named Shara, after Poe's mother. It feels appropriate enough.

It's one night as Poe's tucking Shara in that she wants to hear a story. More specifically, about Ben and Poe. Poe swallows; how is he going to explain all of this to a little girl?

"Once upon a time," he says, "There was a pilot, and a prince..."

 

 


End file.
